Scorched Earth or Arrogance?

As a divorce lawyer we are often accused by a disappointed party of employing a “scorched earth” approach to cases. The simple fact is that the losing party’s arrogance and entitled behavior is often why the Court awards custody to the other.
Scorched earth is the scorned parent’s pathetic excuse for failing to put the needs of children first, before their own. It is a sad lesson to many non-custodial mothers that the pain of childbirth does not guarantee any greater right to have custody of the children. These mothers, however, dismissed the warning of their lawyers, arrogantly assuming the validity of the urban legend, that their gender entitles a mother to sole legal custody, regardless of her behavior.
Examples of opposing parties’ behaviors are:

• Parent A* explained to the custody evaluator that she raised her children by thinking of them as dogs

• Parent B* informed the evaluator he ranked the children by whom he liked best to least

• Parent C* slapped her child causing a bloody nose, which she initially denied, then admitted, claiming that she was justified

• Parent D* gave his child to the neighbor to raise

While the parents’ arrogance differed, they were united in speaking poorly of the other party:

• overstating his shortcomings;

• using triggers words like illegal behavior, drug abuse, sexual abuse, and the old standby, physical abuse without supporting evidence;

• embellishing stories of inappropriate behavior of the other parent;

• opining how the children hated their father which meant they loved their mother;

• speaking of the children as being better without the other and her family.

During these character assassinations, the parent denied any personal contribution to the family problems and any shortcomings of their own parenting.
Bluntly, children need both parents. The Court assumes that during the custody evaluation process parents are on their best behavior. If the parent isn’t able to see the value to behave properly during the custody evaluation or see the value of the other parent and their extended family, then the Court has little faith the offending parent’s behavior will improve out of the spotlight of the custody evaluation.

So what do good mothers and fathers look like?  Good parents understand and embrace the need for each child to have an appropriate independent relationship with each parent. The parents follow the Children’s Bill of Rights (http://www.childcenteredsolutions.org/resources/childrens-bill-of-rights-during-family-conflicts/) either instinctively or with prompting from their attorneys.  Good parents worry more about whether they themselves are getting the children’s needs met rather than pointing out the other parent’s failures.  Good parents never claim to be perfect, they do not blame the other parent for not making them happy, and never suggest that the other parent is leaving the children when there is a divorce.

A good parent never blames the other lawyer, the other parent, their own lawyer, or the system for the “loss” of the child.  Rather, a good parent even in the face of a bad decision, gets therapy, learns what children need, find ways to spend appropriate positive time with the child, and never speaks negatively of the other parent.  Children flee to the parent with good mental health, forgive the worst parents, and crave the love of both parents.

Children are one-half of each parent. Good parents know that even if the other parent is a stinker, no child wants to have that fact pointed out, especially by the other parent. Children understand what many parents fail to understand, that parental-child love is inclusive not exclusive.

*Composites of cases heard in open Court. Names and situations altered to protect the children.

Brad Miller
Portland, Shareholder

Book Review: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum

Copyright 1996, Plume Publisher

 

Mira Kirshenbaum is recognized worldwide as a bestselling author and renowned therapist. Her book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay draws on her years of counseling experience to guide readers through uncertain times in their relationships.

Kirshenbaum describes specific techniques of help reader reach a deeper level of understanding in their relationships and struggles throughout their marriage. Her approach is both versatile and genuine in nature. The practicality of her advice is applicable to both new and established relationships. Kirshenbaum sheds light on valuable aspects of relationships that one may otherwise set on the back burner. She presents a clear and concise case for the application of her advice and experience presented within the book.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay is a worthwhile read for anyone, no matter how strong their relationships may be, it is always good to gain new insight and perspective.

Published by Plume, a division of Penguin Books USA Inc.
Copyright Mira Kirshenbaum, 1996

Jodyism: May 2013 Newsletter

“Spring is the time to renew your attitude of gratitude.”

Support Resources Beyond the Law

Getting through the challenges of a family law case can sometimes take more than just legal expertise. Working through the emotions associated with a family law proceeding can be difficult. For individuals who are predisposed to depression or anxiety, the added stressors associated with divorce or custody issues can heighten mental health issues.

In 2010, the Oregon Legislature declared May “Maternal Mental Health Month,” highlighting the importance of understanding and meeting the mental health needs of mothers and families. It is important for everyone involved in a family law case to have the support and resources they need. Fortunately, there are a wide variety of support and resources available in Oregon for women and families who are dealing with depression and anxiety.

For individual centered solutions, the Community Counseling Center at Lewis and Clark College and the Community Counseling Clinic at Portland State University both provide low cost counseling services in the Portland area. OSU Cascades provides similar free counseling to Central Oregon residents.

These are just a small sample of the community resources available in Oregon. If you are struggling with a mental health issue during your family law case, let your attorney know. While we are here to serve your legal needs, we also want to ensure that you have the support and resources you need throughout your case.

Caroline Ponzini-Beck
Bend, Attorney

Central Oregon Trail Alliance

The Central Oregon Trail Alliance (COTA) is a non-profit organization that works with the Forest Service and Bureau of Land Management in Central Oregon. The COTA focuses on the mountain bike trails in our community and works throughout the year to maintain and make sure the trails are safe for the riders.

Right now, there are currently 35 mountain bike trails that are open to the public, some of which are not recommended for use due to needed maintenance. COTA is hoping to continue to increase the amount of trails available. COTA is also in the process of creating more beginner trails around Central Oregon.

The Crook County chapter of COTA is hoping to eventually have trails that allow you to ride from the Ochoco National Forest to Smith Rock. Another goal they have is to allow people to vacation in Central Oregon and theoretically be able to take their bikes off their car and not need to put them back on until they leave.

COTA receives funding through local events and donations. This month, they host the Bend Bicycle Film Festival, scheduled for May 22, 2013, at the Tower Theater in downtown Bend. The cost is $12 in advance and $15 at the door. COTA also has a monthly membership meeting on the last Thursday of every month. If you’re interested in joining, this is the meeting for you to attend.

If you have not already, get out and enjoy the trails. This spring weather is the perfect time to dust of that mountain bike in the garage and enjoy the Central Oregon outdoors. If you would like to learn more about COTA, please visit http://cotamtb.com or learn more about the Bend Bicycle Film Festival at http://www.bendbicyclefilmfestival.com

Emily Gannon
Bend, Legal Assistant

From the Kitchen: Savory Crepes

Savory Crepes
Chef Cheree Hartzell

Crepes have no limits on creativity – they are easy to make and delicious to eat. Crepes may have a reputation for being a breakfast food or found at food carts, but savory crepes are an under appreciated food worth exploring. You can put anything inside your crepe; it’s an ideal meal for vegetarians and meat lovers. It’s also a perfect sized meal for lunch, or even an appetizer. Make them for yourself, your family or your friends, but don’t keep the secret to yourself, make sure to spread the word about the bliss that is the savory crepe.








10 in.             Frying pan
1 cup             Flour
3                    Eggs
1 ½ cup         Whole milk
¼ tsp.            Salt
1/8 tsp.          Pepper
3 tbsp.           Butter

- Use a 10 inch frying pan.
- In a blender, mix all ingredients except the butter.
- Blend on high for 1 minute or until everything is blended.
- Turn burner on medium-high heat.
- Melt ½ teaspoon of butter in warm pan.
- Add about ¼ cup of egg mixture in a pan and swirl into a circle.
- Cook until edges are golden brown.
- Turn and cook again until edges are golden brown.
- Continue until batter is done.

Ideas for Fillings:
- Spinach, garlic, farm cheese
- Asparagus, ham, cheese
- Squash, ricotta cheese, cheese
- Chicken, broccoli, cheese
- Tomato, basil, mozzarella cheese

Frank Manners: Professional Etiquette

A confident handshake and a professional demeanor can take a person a long way. As students are gearing up for summer break and applying for jobs, now is the time for them  to start practicing professional etiquette.
In these tough economic times, it is critical for students and recent graduates to keep in mind that while they are qualified, educated people, they may still face additional barriers to entering the workforce. The ability to make a strong first impression is becoming more important in a time when resumes and qualifications look more alike.
Although this new generation of young adults may want to reject the guidelines of what proper etiquette is and how to use it, there are still some tried and true rules that never go out of style. By incorporating these skills into daily life, one will find that those good manners are easy and intuitive.


While applying for jobs, it is important to remember a few key things:

• Communication: Speak slowly and thoughtfully, don’t rush your words or speak over others.

• Body Language: Minimize non-verbal behaviors such as fidgeting or cracking knuckles, have good posture and while you may be nervous, don’t forget to smile.

• Wardrobe: One should dress in a professional manner and err on the side of conservatism.

It is essential to put the knowledge to practice in order to make a distinct impression.

 Liz Devereaux
Portland, Social Media & Marketing Specialist